The first British and American soldiers have died in Iraq. I can't imagine the pain their families must be feeling. Protesters in San Francisco have been demonstrating almost continuously for several days, and over a thousand were arrested yesterday. Paul went to work in SF in the midst of it all, managing to avoid the traffic snarls, though the protesters were trying to block freeway on and offramps, the Bay Bridge and other major traffic arteries to make their point.

I've been going about everyday life here while feeling a sense of impending doom, as if this war is going to have some horrible unpredictable reverberations well into the future. It's probably silly of me, but it's there. We won't know the long term effects of this bizarre war for a long time, obviously, but it feels like such a strange twist to the fabric of our society that I can't see it having a positive impact overall. I can't see that other people in other countries are going to see Americans as anything other than bullies at best, though in reality I think most of us feel like helpless hog-tied cattle dumped in the back of a truck driven by a rather malevolent hillbilly out of "Deliverance", careening out of control.

I was driving home with the boys in the back of the van yesterday and a rock song came on the radio. It hit me so hard that it was like a blow in the chest. I gasped and started tearing up and wondered what in the world was wrong with me until I realized which song it was. We used to play it with Scott and Amanda, Alisa and Luis when we all lived closer to each other and we got together regularly to play music. The odd thing was that it's not like a really emotional song or anything, it was just the associations, the closeness to everyone it brought back. And man, I really missed everyone. Over two years ago, now, when Alisa and Amanda and I were all pregnant at the same time. I don't miss being pregnant, but I do miss them. It was so good to see all of them at Consonance, but it was painful to have everyone scatter again, not knowing how soon we'll see everyone again. I miss all of you guys. I am really amazingly fortunate to have family I love, and have so many wonderful, intelligent and funny and wise friends who make the world a better place to be in.

All of our little toddlers are growing really fast. Zoe is 18 months now, and starting to really talk; Hailey is almost 2, talks up a storm, and our two are just 2, a bit behind in talking, but man do they run around. All of their personalities are getting clear to see, and it was great to realize that I really like who all of these little people are. They're curious and find joy in the small things. They are surprisingly kind and loving, considering the reputation toddlers have for being selfish little savages. And they do like music, dancing and boogieing around to the beat of whever they hear. They have such enthusiasm, and no inhibitions, no worries about what other people may think of them. It's wonderful.

I wish all of them could hang onto the innocence they have now, but maybe that isn't part of growing up. The future looks scary right now because of this war. These little kids have to grow up and live in the future we are creating right now, and I can't say I like the way things are going right now. I want my kids to be able to have friends all over the world, to believe that people are basically good, that everyone deserves to live as comfortably and happily as we do, incredibly lucky minority that we are. Let them at least be happy, and turn out to be good, kind people like their parents all try to be.

Meanwhile, all lofty thoughts aside, I have a sinkfull of dirty dishes waiting and two hungry little boys to feed. Somebody's stinky and the diaper pail is full, but it's Friday. Thank god for weekends.

Hugs to all my friends. And yes, if you think you're probably one of them, I mean you. Thanks for being there for me.

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